Ahh, Saturday morning. A time of relaxation, contemplation and breakfast. Sometimes a little stress accompanying the task of getting everyone out of the house, but worth it knowing a healthy meal will be shoveled into my mouth in a matter of minutes.
One particular Saturday morning found me exiting the door with a log hinting at its exit as well. I shrugged it off, thinking to myself, "Oh, this is nothing, I can hold it." This thought was followed by the usual argument with friends on where to eat because you know someone always has to suggest another, more time-consuming place.
If you know me, then you know I am a fan of efficiency and I tolerate little dissidence in my social circle. I rule with an iron fist and loathe factions to the extent that I would gladly kill for the "greater good." So, under this ideology I chose a very good Mexican breakfast joint a mere 100 yards from my house. It would be the greatest decision of my life.
As soon as I ordered my Juevos Rancheros, I began to get the shakes. Again, I thought to myself, "Oh this will pass, be strong for just a few seconds and wait till after breakfast." Now, I think this thought was a result of my love for efficiency; a subconscious mantra that I have developed in various forms in this blog, "Hold your poo, finish breakfast, poo out this poo with the breakfast you are about to consume."
Before I continue this tale, I also need to point out another factor governing this poo. Although, I poo in public places all the time, I don't like too and I knew this poo would require a fair amount of attention. I did not want to be rushed through any part of the process because of another impatient breakfast eater.
Although, I had the strength to hold my poo through breakfast, I would be burdened with holding my poo through breakfast. Needless to say, I would not enjoy the meal. And let me tell you, this was not an internal dilemma, everyone at the breakfast table was privy to my vocalization of this conflict.
Then a great opportunity was presented to me. Home was not more than a 3 minute walk away. I could go there, poo, and probably return before breakfast arrived. And so, I made the greatest decision of my life. Went home, poo'd a unhealthy poo that required a great deal of wiping and resulted in a great deal of stank. Returned an empty man, without a heavy burden on the mind, and enjoyed a great breakfast.
Peace be with you;
or if you are a religious man,
Obama be with you.