Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Liquid Gold!

Occasionally, I will eat something and my body will go and reject it almost immediately. Usually, it's something fried, french fries mostly, or something milky like a milk shake or yogurt. Sometimes it can be something mundane like pasta or an apple. Despite the fuel, the result is a yellow/brown liquid explosion that sprays from my anus like the prettiest Fourth of the July fireworks.
Because god hates my guts, this will happen to me at work. It is quite infrequent, but nonetheless a gigantic burden to unleash in a public restroom. I don't know about some of you readers (it's in the thousands now!) but I don't want anybody to hear me take a liquid crap. I don't know if it's a masculine thing but I always want my neighbor in the next stall to hear a healthy splash from well rounded, solid turd. I hold this philosphy dear to my heart and it surprises me how frequently i hear so many co-workers commit nasty acts of diarrhea with no remorse for their audience (I know about flushing the toilet while you unleash, it doesn't work, I still hear that wet fart and stream of chunky water).
When my sphincter spasms alerting me to my liquid burden. I clench my butt cheeks and head to the most solitary bathroom to immediately handle my shit. Occasionally, even the most solitary places have frequent visitors and handling my shit becomes an exercise in strength, endurance and mental anguish.
Most people would unleash and I'm pretty sure it's a generational thing or it could be an age to weak anus-muscle ratio. Nonetheless, I hold it when others are present and proceed to stay in a position similar to the Karate Kid's flying crane kick, slightly hovering above the toilet, teeth grinding and sweat dripping from my brow. The mental concentration required to hold diarrhea is on a metaphysical plane that likens it to transcendental meditation or a concept beyond contemporary doctrine.
Then release. It's funny, it all comes out in one giant explosion with not very much follow up. Then a laborious wipe and a long hand wash and it's back to business as usual.

Friday, September 5, 2008

A familiar pressure

2 cups of coffee this AM and 90 minutes later i felt a familiar pressure in the deep reaches of my anus. The fecal gods were urging me to visit the restroom. I obliged.
The poo was fast to leave and consisted of one solid piece. It was light brown, the color of efficiency and hope. Like sex, i stuck around the toilet for a while to really meditate on the euphoria surging to all parts of my body. This was a splendid poo, in fact this may have been a poop to be marveled.
The product wasn't big, nor an example of perfection; but the actual process, the very act of pushing the poo through my anus lips was the true marvel to behold. The abundant beauty in life surely warms the most frigid souls. Why does aggression, despair and greed exist against a backdrop of so much splendor? If man has created god, then surely we are capable of grander achievements.
Upon my return to my desk, I grab another cup of coffee. I must relive this miracle again and again. The magnificence of man will surely surpass his blunders.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Poop picture - funny

I have a friend who drew me this picture. Only in AMERICA, that's what I say! I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who says that?
Today was bagel day. Good times, but there were no tomatoes and it's tomato season! Bagel day without tomatoes is shit day, god damn Holocaust, shit day!
Speaking of shit. I took one today. It was about an hour ago and it was stubborn. After about 15 minutes I had to give up and just wipe it all out. That process took about 5 minutes and another 5 minutes to wash the stench from my finger tips.
I'm smelling my fingertips now and the smell lingers.