Wednesday, October 8, 2008

This past monday

I walked into the men's restroom at work nice and early Monday morning. I had been eagerly anticipating a hearty poo since the night before when I devoured several servings meaty spaghetti. Later in the evening I felt "the familiar pressure" and sucked it back into my stomach for further digestion as not to waste my allotted leisure weekend time on fecal business.
Anyways, Monday morning I found myself in front of the bathroom's entrance. Half shivering from the weekend's excess and half convulsing from the repressed bowels that were about to explode their fury, I glanced at the brown stains smeared in the carpet. "Must be mud," I yelled as loud as I could to myself so i could hear my voice echo through the empty Monday morning halls.
My intentions clear, I was eager to shit and I believe the toilet was eager to have me shit in her. My poo was furious and fast and I sat around to contemplate the coming week.
10 minutes later...
2 maintenance workers walk in...
"Yup, that's shit all over the ground."
"We're gonna have to notify janitorial to get that cleaned up."

They leave.

I quietly peek my head out of the stall. Several shades of brown shit are smeared all over the tile. Light shades of brown fill the grout crevices. I immediately check the soles of my shoes. Thank god! nothing there. However, some poor soul tracked it within a 10 ft radius of the bathroom.

My theory is that some dude came into the office to work over the weekend. His wife made him a greasy breakfast which in turn, he barely digested and raced to the bathroom to shit out as held it for a very long car ride in his new Lexus. Half naked lying on the stall floor, he begins to crawl to the sink. Delerious from passing out from the intense bowel movement, he continues to shit himself and it plops all over the floor. He stands up, cleans himself off and walks to office tracking the shit everywhere on the way. Promptly, he types his resignation letter and leaves it with HR. Hr mistakes the presents from departed employee X as chocolate. The cycle starts over, only this time it's vomit.