Thursday, September 3, 2009

Intellectual DIscussion on Toilets

What is up with the music accompanying this video? Whoever added the music must have thought very highly of the lecturer/lecture.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Poo nornalization: The Moralization of Poo

Funny. The road to the normalization of poo. I really don't understand why the people in this sketch are so weirded out.

Phase 1: Understanding that pooing into your hand is normal and everyone should accept that. Phase 2: Understanding that pooing in front of people is OK. Phase 3: Replace or append words in the english language with "poo." Or simply understand everything in life in regards to poo and how poo is connected.

example: "There are many goats on the hillside over there. Do you think they stay on that hillside their entire life?"

CHANGE TO: There are many poogoatspoo on the hillpoo over there. Do you think they stay on that hillpoo their entire poolife?

Go forth! Spread the gos-poo-el!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Seismic Activity

Ok. So there is about to be a big earthquake. My spider sense is tingling.

1 giant volcanic eruption near the island of Tonga.

1 7.9 earthquake near Tonga

1 volcano erupting in Alaska

2 foot deuce dropped in work toilet at 9:00 AM Monday morning. Fueled by 2 days of body magma (AKA Indian food) bubbling in my digestive track.

I hope you have your earthquake survival kits ready.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I've got a secret

My shoes spark muffled echoes on recycled carpet. I walk past the head honcho's office - his head is buried in recycled paper. I whisper, "I've got a secret." He looks up, no one is there.

"Oh, hello Janet," I sprightly blurt out my mouth like verbal shit. Friendly niceties continue as we walk past each other "I've got a secret." I inaudibly mutter under my breath. She acknowledges me with a smile. She knows nothing of the nature of my secret.

My secret lingers, not as a scent, but as a feeling. I walk these halls with phosphorescent shadows identifying only half my face - my other face smiles too. Not for others, but for my secret. The secret feeling that lingers.

Not more than a few moments ago, a chocolate behemoth just passed through my rectum and my anus lips kissed him goodbye on it's journey to the ocean. I can still taste that kiss on my lips. My face eyes close, and i remember our embrace and the last time i saw him.

I never saw him again.

My face eyes open. I'm at work. Busy bees hustle, ignorant to my secret. Ignorant to love. A few hours later, I've forgotten that chocolate behemoth. I'm now captivated with the sensation that lingers from a dozen tiny brown soldiers.

I see my boss.
"...I've got a secret."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Geologic Bubbles

At work when I flush my stuff down the toilet one of either two results occur:

A.) A gigantic rush of water sucks down the waste immediately in a powerful flush akin to Poseidon demanding it for his underwater kingdom.

or...(My Favorite)

B.) The toilet struggles to take my waste. It gurgles, and bubbles a very audible grunt in an effort to slowly swallow my log(s). It's very similar to what I'd imagine bubbling magma in Hawaii or geothermic streams sound like amidst a smattering of seismic activity.

My favorite is B. because it really makes me feel like I accomplished something.

That is all,

Obama be with you.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Pooing before a healthy meal.

Ahh, Saturday morning. A time of relaxation, contemplation and breakfast. Sometimes a little stress accompanying the task of getting everyone out of the house, but worth it knowing a healthy meal will be shoveled into my mouth in a matter of minutes.

One particular Saturday morning found me exiting the door with a log hinting at its exit as well. I shrugged it off, thinking to myself, "Oh, this is nothing, I can hold it." This thought was followed by the usual argument with friends on where to eat because you know someone always has to suggest another, more time-consuming place.

If you know me, then you know I am a fan of efficiency and I tolerate little dissidence in my social circle. I rule with an iron fist and loathe factions to the extent that I would gladly kill for the "greater good." So, under this ideology I chose a very good Mexican breakfast joint a mere 100 yards from my house. It would be the greatest decision of my life.

As soon as I ordered my Juevos Rancheros, I began to get the shakes. Again, I thought to myself, "Oh this will pass, be strong for just a few seconds and wait till after breakfast." Now, I think this thought was a result of my love for efficiency; a subconscious mantra that I have developed in various forms in this blog, "Hold your poo, finish breakfast, poo out this poo with the breakfast you are about to consume."

Before I continue this tale, I also need to point out another factor governing this poo. Although, I poo in public places all the time, I don't like too and I knew this poo would require a fair amount of attention. I did not want to be rushed through any part of the process because of another impatient breakfast eater.

Although, I had the strength to hold my poo through breakfast, I would be burdened with holding my poo through breakfast. Needless to say, I would not enjoy the meal. And let me tell you, this was not an internal dilemma, everyone at the breakfast table was privy to my vocalization of this conflict.

Then a great opportunity was presented to me. Home was not more than a 3 minute walk away. I could go there, poo, and probably return before breakfast arrived. And so, I made the greatest decision of my life. Went home, poo'd a unhealthy poo that required a great deal of wiping and resulted in a great deal of stank. Returned an empty man, without a heavy burden on the mind, and enjoyed a great breakfast.

Peace be with you;

or if you are a religious man,

Obama be with you.