Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed ness Day

I haven't pooped in 2 weeks. It's building up so hard.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Did my dad poo his pants at Amoeba?

me: Can i tell you something that you have to keep secret?
10:26 AM Ann: i guess
10:27 AM me: last night at Amoeba
my dad had to go to the bathroom really bad
Ann: haha
10:28 AM me: so he went over to mcdonalds
and then he came back
Ann: is that the secret?
me: and said it was way too fucking dirty to go in there
so we left and got into the car to drive home
he asked me to drop him off in front of the house so he could go to the bathroom
10:29 AM i couldn't cause the house key was in the ignition
so i parked the car in our spot
and then he had to make a stop at his car to grab his suitcase
Ann: he pood outside
me: keep in mind this was before they decided they were gonna spend the night
10:30 AM so i just figured he needed his suit case to give me a present
so he gets inside and uses the toilet
i'm watching tv and he's in the sink area bathroom
after using the toilet of course
Ann: uh oh
me: then i hear him start the bath tub
10:31 AM Ann: he pood his pants?
me: 20 mins later he comes out with a new outfit
i dunno
Ann: or did he pee his pants?
me: it's weird no matter what
Ann: maybe he just changed
me: i hope so
Ann: he probably pood his pants
10:32 AM me: ack!
Ann: you didnt ask?
10:33 AM me: I asked what he was doing after he came out
and he said "oh, just cleaning up."
10:34 AM Ann: yikes
maybe he needs diapers
10:35 AM me: SHUTup
10:36 AM Ann: that will be your fate
10:37 AM he probably had runny diarrea that went down his leg
me: yeah
To be fair though,
I didn't smell it on the Drive home or in the store
or during the walk to the car
10:40 AM Ann: he had travelled all day. he probably just wanted to change
me: yeah
10:41 AM Ann: what are you eating for lunch?
10:42 AM me: Vag
10:43 AM Ann: that's not very filling
do you wanna go running right after work?
me: maybe

Friday, April 11, 2008

Hangover Poo

10:15 AM - Friday

Phase 1-
The poo was quick to leave, a 20 second ordeal that released a sour, intoxicating smell. This indeed was a hangover poo.

Phase 2-
A small portion was stubborn and would not leave without a little coaxing from some toilet paper. This triggered the rest to vacate. Wiping was a laborious chore to say the least.

At this point, occupant in adjacent stall cannon-blasted an echoey fart into his porcelain bowl - no time to critique color and size of hangover triumph - HAD TO LEAVE WITH HASTE.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

In Regards to Poop

You know how you go through elementary school and eventually high school institutions and the Boy's bathrooms are always god awful? And do you also know how you are never the one to make the mess!? Who makes that mess ? Well let me tell you, this type of pattern is not isolated to schools, it continues in the work world's men's bathrooms.

What's up dudes? Are men incapable of taking a shit and not smearing it all over a bathroom stall? Is there some sort of primordial instinct for messyness triggered in men when they feel the lips of their ass hole ripple and dance against a brown behemoth? I can't be the only guy blessed with a precision accented butt hole.

I don't work with nincompoops either. Some of these men who seemingly hover over the toilet and shit on the seat charge $400-$500/hour for their services. If only the clients knew their shitting etiquette, then they couldn't demand such high prices. Because doesn't it always come down to our shitting etiquette?

One last thing, am i the only one that sticks around to make sure that my business goes down when i flush? We can't all be so naive to assume that one flush is all it takes. For example: Just this morning, a previous poo tenant of the handicap stall must've drank bean and spinach smoothies for dinner because he stained the toilet water a dark yellow and left several floating mucus membranes for me to flush. Seriously, you thought a liquid mess like that was gonna go away in one flush ? COME ON!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Mungo Jerry

I've had this song from the 60's stuck in my head for weeks now. I did little to seek it out because I thought it was by some obscure do-wop group from the early 60's. All i knew were the lyrics "In the Summer time da da de du da. So, tonight i searched google "In the summer time 60's song" and there it was first 10 hits. Turns out it is by an obscure band, Mungo Jerry? But it's from 1970 .

So in honor of the approaching summer, "life's for living, that's out philosophy."

Feel free to sing along, this is my new karaoke song

This song reminds me of Sam Cooke's "chain gang," I loved it when i was a kid. Wish i could figure out how to post it but if you go to and search "sam cooke" you can listen to it there.

Friday, April 4, 2008


10:30 AM - 2 cups of coffee and I was ready to expel my waste

The big handicapped stall was occupied, I took the smaller stall.

It was a fast poo - no more than 45 seconds to complete - It was not a clean break, so wiping was a mild chore.

Peeled back dry end of toilet seat cover, sitting heavy in the hole was a dark-brown coil of chocolate.

I like the way my hair looks today.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Bagel Thursday

Today is Bagel Day. I had a raisin bagel, lightly toasted with reduced-fat plain cream cheese. I did not bother to buy an orange juice because I brought my own bottle of mineral water. As soon as I began eating my bagel, the party commenced and continued until my bagel was finished, thus ending bagel day. Fuck.

60 minutes later I began touching cloth (prairie doggin' hard)

My poo was immense, quick to leave the body, and slightly grayed (possibly a result of high quantity wine consumption and a late bedtime last night?)

The wipe was clean and hardly labored.

It will be a good day.

Red Dawn

A couple days ago I watched RED DAWN. I can't believe I have never seen this movie. It's an amazing source of entertainment and I can't understand why it's not a pillar of prominent pop culture like other 80's films (i.e. Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller). The cast is a crazy list of the 80's best; Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Leah Thompson (Michael J. Fox's love interest in Back to the Future), Ferris Bueller's sister, the prophet from Big Love. Is it me? Was i just totally oblivious to this movie my whole life?

The premise of RED DAWN is simple: The cold war has erupted in World War III with USSR and Cuba invading USA. USA seems oddly unprepared and some high school kids take matters into their own hands by taking up arms and killing lots of communists. See, simple.

Wikipedia: At one time, Red Dawn was considered the most violent film by the Guinness Book of Records and the The National Coalition on Television Violence, with a rate of 134 acts of violence per hour, or 2.23 per minute.

Eh, it's not that violent, and it's certainly not gorey violent.

The beginning of the movie is best. Patrick Swayze drops his friends off at school and parachuting troops fall from the sky. The teacher goes outside to investigate....

That teacher was really stupid.

I never liked War Games, another cold war 80's movie that is extremely boring with no action. RED DAWN has a whole lot of action. Pretty, Pretty, Pretty good. Pretty good. I recommend all you American Heros go rent this now! If not for yourself, rent it for Patrick Swayze, poor hero has pancreatic cancer!