Thursday, January 29, 2009

2 cups of Joe

I usually drink two cups of Joe in the morning. I finish the first one, grab the second and like clockwork I take a sip and I immediately have the urge to poo. So, I find the need to finish the second cup before I poo because I don't want to poo and then drink more coffee, thus, triggering a second poo. Usually, that second cup consist of me shaking violently trying to hold my poop and finish that second cup of joe. I will tap dance while chugging large quantities, scalding my throat, all the while nursing a curious prairie dog.
This tap dance is very similar to the one I make when sitting down on the toilet. Every so often I will "angry ant colony" (new term I've developed to describe diarrhea) at work. Unfortunately, the bathroom here can get pretty crowded and because I am such a puritan in every aspect of my life, I keep the angry ants at ease to spare neighbors the carnage. Honestly, there really is no point to this because having to hold diarrhea probably takes a few years off my life and the neighbors can surely see the James Brown type tap dance going on in my stall. Either way, they are alerted to my insecurities and my loose bowels, but still take their time.
Now this has happened so many times that I have to check the bathroom for occupants before committing to a diuretic poo within. What transpires after such an observation is a tortured walk down 4 floors to the 19th floor bathroom. I try and keep my cool and walk casually, for if I sprint, I will disturb the angry ants (I bypass the stairs for the same reason). I curse the elevator under my breath when it's delayed as usual and once I am inside, I curse it out loud for being the slow piece of shit it is (seriously, the elevators at work are motherfuckers).
Once I get to that bathroom, my pants are already half way off and, occasionally, someone may be in there too. Then my James Brown tap dance is accompanied by my James Brown grunts. Yet, the neighbors take their time.

4 comments:

rammstew said...

Yay! You're back! I missed you! WE missed you!

morepunx said...

You know what Stuart, I like you. You aren't like other kids, here, in the trailer park.

mothwizard said...

Made me think of you


http://sarahsilverman.comedycentral.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=210577

morepunx said...

Hahahaha. I haven't got into that show yet, but that was pretty damn funny. Poo humor was so so, but definitely on the right track for normalization. Matt Foley parody was gold.