Tuesday, July 29, 2008

In regards to wiping your ass and throwing the TP in the garbage can instead of the toilet

A few years ago a friend of mine complained of a college roommate who wiped his ass then threw the toilet paper in the garbage. He was justifiably disgusted by this practice, as I'm sure much of population is, because most people throw that used toilet paper in the toilet and flush it down. Despite always flushing toilet paper down, soon after hearing the story, I found myself contemplating a used piece of toilet paper. I glanced at the toilet and I glanced at the trash can. Toilet. Trash can. I dropped it in the trash can. What could be the harm?

When i was young, like around 4 years old. I experimented with wiping procedures a bit. I remember throwing the toilet paper in the trash can a few times. Also, I remember being reprimanded by my mother for wiping with a wash cloth. Sometimes, I'd save pooing for right before bath time and then wipe my bum on the bottom of the tub. It's gross, I know, but it was accepted during these experimental times. 4 and 5 year olds are learning and developing their own bathroom etiquette and I eventually assimilated to the norm.

So i had a break down in assimilation, or a digression in maturity when i threw that piece of toilet paper in the trash can. But I wasn't the only one using the bathroom. At the time, I was living with my cousin, who was also privy to the story of the TP garbage can dilemma my friend presented. The next day, I noticed a line of ants converging on the trash can. I looked in and saw the used piece of toilet paper covered in ants. My cousin also saw the ants:

"You see all the ants in the bathroom?"
"Yes," I replied hesitantly.
"See that they're in the garbage can?"
"Huh, weird. I guess I'll take out the trash."

The incident was left at that, but I'm pretty sure my cousin saw the item that the ants were so interested in devouring. Thankfully, she understood my fascination with exploring new modes of living and existing. She new i liked to change things up. However, i found out why some things are just meant to be accepted as status quo.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Triumph: Lack thereof

Fueled by two cups of coffee, my butt hole is beckoned to the restroom. As Captain Ahab's dead hand beckons his crew to follow him to death, so too does the toilet seat wave me over for a rendezvous of sorts. This is a man vs. machine conflict. Or is it man vs. himself? It's a combination of both:
The toilet seat is cold, the paper seat cover sticks to my ass and the bowl does little to contain the smell of various digested meats and vegetables. My poo is like molasses, thick and slow to leave the bottle. I cannot help but urinate; wetting the paper seat cover, pieces cling to my penis. Wiping is torture and my butt hole quivers under the stress.
I flush. Slowly pull my pants and underwear back up, and question whether I have even finished pooping. I quietly return to my desk, unaccomplished, tail between my legs, or is it a piece of fecal matter? There is no triumph in the men's room today.