I walked into the men's restroom at work nice and early Monday morning. I had been eagerly anticipating a hearty poo since the night before when I devoured several servings meaty spaghetti. Later in the evening I felt "the familiar pressure" and sucked it back into my stomach for further digestion as not to waste my allotted leisure weekend time on fecal business.
Anyways, Monday morning I found myself in front of the bathroom's entrance. Half shivering from the weekend's excess and half convulsing from the repressed bowels that were about to explode their fury, I glanced at the brown stains smeared in the carpet. "Must be mud," I yelled as loud as I could to myself so i could hear my voice echo through the empty Monday morning halls.
My intentions clear, I was eager to shit and I believe the toilet was eager to have me shit in her. My poo was furious and fast and I sat around to contemplate the coming week.
10 minutes later...
2 maintenance workers walk in...
"Yup, that's shit all over the ground."
"We're gonna have to notify janitorial to get that cleaned up."
They leave.
I quietly peek my head out of the stall. Several shades of brown shit are smeared all over the tile. Light shades of brown fill the grout crevices. I immediately check the soles of my shoes. Thank god! nothing there. However, some poor soul tracked it within a 10 ft radius of the bathroom.
My theory is that some dude came into the office to work over the weekend. His wife made him a greasy breakfast which in turn, he barely digested and raced to the bathroom to shit out as held it for a very long car ride in his new Lexus. Half naked lying on the stall floor, he begins to crawl to the sink. Delerious from passing out from the intense bowel movement, he continues to shit himself and it plops all over the floor. He stands up, cleans himself off and walks to office tracking the shit everywhere on the way. Promptly, he types his resignation letter and leaves it with HR. Hr mistakes the presents from departed employee X as chocolate. The cycle starts over, only this time it's vomit.
THE END.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Liquid Gold!
Occasionally, I will eat something and my body will go and reject it almost immediately. Usually, it's something fried, french fries mostly, or something milky like a milk shake or yogurt. Sometimes it can be something mundane like pasta or an apple. Despite the fuel, the result is a yellow/brown liquid explosion that sprays from my anus like the prettiest Fourth of the July fireworks.
Because god hates my guts, this will happen to me at work. It is quite infrequent, but nonetheless a gigantic burden to unleash in a public restroom. I don't know about some of you readers (it's in the thousands now!) but I don't want anybody to hear me take a liquid crap. I don't know if it's a masculine thing but I always want my neighbor in the next stall to hear a healthy splash from well rounded, solid turd. I hold this philosphy dear to my heart and it surprises me how frequently i hear so many co-workers commit nasty acts of diarrhea with no remorse for their audience (I know about flushing the toilet while you unleash, it doesn't work, I still hear that wet fart and stream of chunky water).
When my sphincter spasms alerting me to my liquid burden. I clench my butt cheeks and head to the most solitary bathroom to immediately handle my shit. Occasionally, even the most solitary places have frequent visitors and handling my shit becomes an exercise in strength, endurance and mental anguish.
Most people would unleash and I'm pretty sure it's a generational thing or it could be an age to weak anus-muscle ratio. Nonetheless, I hold it when others are present and proceed to stay in a position similar to the Karate Kid's flying crane kick, slightly hovering above the toilet, teeth grinding and sweat dripping from my brow. The mental concentration required to hold diarrhea is on a metaphysical plane that likens it to transcendental meditation or a concept beyond contemporary doctrine.
Then release. It's funny, it all comes out in one giant explosion with not very much follow up. Then a laborious wipe and a long hand wash and it's back to business as usual.
Because god hates my guts, this will happen to me at work. It is quite infrequent, but nonetheless a gigantic burden to unleash in a public restroom. I don't know about some of you readers (it's in the thousands now!) but I don't want anybody to hear me take a liquid crap. I don't know if it's a masculine thing but I always want my neighbor in the next stall to hear a healthy splash from well rounded, solid turd. I hold this philosphy dear to my heart and it surprises me how frequently i hear so many co-workers commit nasty acts of diarrhea with no remorse for their audience (I know about flushing the toilet while you unleash, it doesn't work, I still hear that wet fart and stream of chunky water).
When my sphincter spasms alerting me to my liquid burden. I clench my butt cheeks and head to the most solitary bathroom to immediately handle my shit. Occasionally, even the most solitary places have frequent visitors and handling my shit becomes an exercise in strength, endurance and mental anguish.
Most people would unleash and I'm pretty sure it's a generational thing or it could be an age to weak anus-muscle ratio. Nonetheless, I hold it when others are present and proceed to stay in a position similar to the Karate Kid's flying crane kick, slightly hovering above the toilet, teeth grinding and sweat dripping from my brow. The mental concentration required to hold diarrhea is on a metaphysical plane that likens it to transcendental meditation or a concept beyond contemporary doctrine.
Then release. It's funny, it all comes out in one giant explosion with not very much follow up. Then a laborious wipe and a long hand wash and it's back to business as usual.
Friday, September 5, 2008
A familiar pressure
2 cups of coffee this AM and 90 minutes later i felt a familiar pressure in the deep reaches of my anus. The fecal gods were urging me to visit the restroom. I obliged.
The poo was fast to leave and consisted of one solid piece. It was light brown, the color of efficiency and hope. Like sex, i stuck around the toilet for a while to really meditate on the euphoria surging to all parts of my body. This was a splendid poo, in fact this may have been a poop to be marveled.
The product wasn't big, nor an example of perfection; but the actual process, the very act of pushing the poo through my anus lips was the true marvel to behold. The abundant beauty in life surely warms the most frigid souls. Why does aggression, despair and greed exist against a backdrop of so much splendor? If man has created god, then surely we are capable of grander achievements.
Upon my return to my desk, I grab another cup of coffee. I must relive this miracle again and again. The magnificence of man will surely surpass his blunders.
The poo was fast to leave and consisted of one solid piece. It was light brown, the color of efficiency and hope. Like sex, i stuck around the toilet for a while to really meditate on the euphoria surging to all parts of my body. This was a splendid poo, in fact this may have been a poop to be marveled.
The product wasn't big, nor an example of perfection; but the actual process, the very act of pushing the poo through my anus lips was the true marvel to behold. The abundant beauty in life surely warms the most frigid souls. Why does aggression, despair and greed exist against a backdrop of so much splendor? If man has created god, then surely we are capable of grander achievements.
Upon my return to my desk, I grab another cup of coffee. I must relive this miracle again and again. The magnificence of man will surely surpass his blunders.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Poop picture - funny
I have a friend who drew me this picture. Only in AMERICA, that's what I say! I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who says that?
Today was bagel day. Good times, but there were no tomatoes and it's tomato season! Bagel day without tomatoes is shit day, god damn Holocaust, shit day!
Speaking of shit. I took one today. It was about an hour ago and it was stubborn. After about 15 minutes I had to give up and just wipe it all out. That process took about 5 minutes and another 5 minutes to wash the stench from my finger tips.
I'm smelling my fingertips now and the smell lingers.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Poop Smeared in Hard to Reach Places
I poop at work quite often. This has been established before, but i need re-emphasize the fact that most of my observations on the state of pooping in America come from the work place restroom. There are other places I poop and they vary widely, especially as I have grown older and my fear of pooping in public restrooms has dwindled quite significantly. But I have taken extensive notes on my co-workers' poops.
One coworker specifically has captivated me with his complete disregard for cleanliness and poop etiquette. Now, i can write a billion blogs on what I have observed him accomplish fecally, but what I observed today raises general questions on the restroom as a communal space and what taking responsibility for your poo entails.
Today, I rushed into the bathroom stall to see a familiar site. Brown streaks smeared in the upper-most reaches of the toilet bowl. I'm talking just under the seat. A place where no water travels and once it gets dirty, it stays dirty until a little elbow grease can take care of it.
First off, the smear was so high up there are only three ways it could have gotten there:
1.) He practices yoga when he poops (Sun Salutation) and his asshole points skywards, offering his waste to the gods.
2.) He shits so strongly that it richochets off the water and bounces right back to wear it came from. I can't imagine what the wipe is like.
3.) He has a weak sphincter resulting in weak precision and wide poo trajectory.
Now, this a very fundamental part of poop etiquette that I have discussed before. You need to stick around after the wipe and flush to see what sort of damage you have done. Then you need to complete damage control. It's kind of Similar to the nature-aware mentality that states, "leave the camp-site cleaner then how you found it."
Seeing these hard to reach streaks of poo do not anger me as much as the terrible things I observe on a daily basis (i.e. the fools that have to pee in the stall toilet, but don't lift the seat or wipe the seat, leaving the beads of urine on the seat for the more stall-entitled poopers to either sit on or clean up). I think these streaks are represent a larger problem of the poorly designed American public restroom. Why are we not offered the tools to get at these hard to reach streaks? Why are we not offered a toilet that is totally self cleaning? If there was anything in the world that should be self cleaning, it should be a public toilet. I swear, considering the lack of poo etiquette in this country, we are only a few steps away from having all public restroom rights taken away. It's too much work to keep clean and current restrooms are not designed to handle all the messy people out in the world.
I was in Germany a few years back (7 years ago). Got dinner at a gas station (USA! USA!) and used their bathroom. The fucking toilet seat was self-cleaning. My god, we are so far behind. It's this type of sweeping innovation that needs to occur in our restroom facilities.
ENOUGH!
One coworker specifically has captivated me with his complete disregard for cleanliness and poop etiquette. Now, i can write a billion blogs on what I have observed him accomplish fecally, but what I observed today raises general questions on the restroom as a communal space and what taking responsibility for your poo entails.
Today, I rushed into the bathroom stall to see a familiar site. Brown streaks smeared in the upper-most reaches of the toilet bowl. I'm talking just under the seat. A place where no water travels and once it gets dirty, it stays dirty until a little elbow grease can take care of it.
First off, the smear was so high up there are only three ways it could have gotten there:
1.) He practices yoga when he poops (Sun Salutation) and his asshole points skywards, offering his waste to the gods.
2.) He shits so strongly that it richochets off the water and bounces right back to wear it came from. I can't imagine what the wipe is like.
3.) He has a weak sphincter resulting in weak precision and wide poo trajectory.
Now, this a very fundamental part of poop etiquette that I have discussed before. You need to stick around after the wipe and flush to see what sort of damage you have done. Then you need to complete damage control. It's kind of Similar to the nature-aware mentality that states, "leave the camp-site cleaner then how you found it."
Seeing these hard to reach streaks of poo do not anger me as much as the terrible things I observe on a daily basis (i.e. the fools that have to pee in the stall toilet, but don't lift the seat or wipe the seat, leaving the beads of urine on the seat for the more stall-entitled poopers to either sit on or clean up). I think these streaks are represent a larger problem of the poorly designed American public restroom. Why are we not offered the tools to get at these hard to reach streaks? Why are we not offered a toilet that is totally self cleaning? If there was anything in the world that should be self cleaning, it should be a public toilet. I swear, considering the lack of poo etiquette in this country, we are only a few steps away from having all public restroom rights taken away. It's too much work to keep clean and current restrooms are not designed to handle all the messy people out in the world.
I was in Germany a few years back (7 years ago). Got dinner at a gas station (USA! USA!) and used their bathroom. The fucking toilet seat was self-cleaning. My god, we are so far behind. It's this type of sweeping innovation that needs to occur in our restroom facilities.
ENOUGH!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Spicy food makes for a spicy poop
Spicy food goes in hot and comes out hot. It burns my mouth lips and my butt hole lips. Enough said.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
12 minute uphill hike
Time in Bathroom, 12 minutes...
Wipe was heavy like cream cheese spread across a bagel. Or was it like taking heavy cream cheese off a bagel? You decide.
Second wipe triggers another log. I question my ability to judge my bowels. They are tricky monkeys mischievously chewing gobs of banana. They punch each other's cheeks and laugh maniacally with each explosion of banana protein. Only when my body feels empty do i know my time on the throne is complete.
Second wipe, is still thick with my leavings. Several more deep wipes irritate my tender hole. I finish, body empty, toilet paper gone. Thick chocolate streaks decorate the bowl. Thick fumes decorate the air and hangs stagnant and rotten like dead moss on a willow tree. The smell tickles my nostrils and trigger a nose bleed. Blood trickles from my nostril and beads of sweat roll down my cheeks. One last wipe with tiny scraps for certainty's sake. Blood there too. Under my heavy breath, i vow to control these bowels once and for all.
Wipe was heavy like cream cheese spread across a bagel. Or was it like taking heavy cream cheese off a bagel? You decide.
Second wipe triggers another log. I question my ability to judge my bowels. They are tricky monkeys mischievously chewing gobs of banana. They punch each other's cheeks and laugh maniacally with each explosion of banana protein. Only when my body feels empty do i know my time on the throne is complete.
Second wipe, is still thick with my leavings. Several more deep wipes irritate my tender hole. I finish, body empty, toilet paper gone. Thick chocolate streaks decorate the bowl. Thick fumes decorate the air and hangs stagnant and rotten like dead moss on a willow tree. The smell tickles my nostrils and trigger a nose bleed. Blood trickles from my nostril and beads of sweat roll down my cheeks. One last wipe with tiny scraps for certainty's sake. Blood there too. Under my heavy breath, i vow to control these bowels once and for all.
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