Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Liquid Gold!

Occasionally, I will eat something and my body will go and reject it almost immediately. Usually, it's something fried, french fries mostly, or something milky like a milk shake or yogurt. Sometimes it can be something mundane like pasta or an apple. Despite the fuel, the result is a yellow/brown liquid explosion that sprays from my anus like the prettiest Fourth of the July fireworks.
Because god hates my guts, this will happen to me at work. It is quite infrequent, but nonetheless a gigantic burden to unleash in a public restroom. I don't know about some of you readers (it's in the thousands now!) but I don't want anybody to hear me take a liquid crap. I don't know if it's a masculine thing but I always want my neighbor in the next stall to hear a healthy splash from well rounded, solid turd. I hold this philosphy dear to my heart and it surprises me how frequently i hear so many co-workers commit nasty acts of diarrhea with no remorse for their audience (I know about flushing the toilet while you unleash, it doesn't work, I still hear that wet fart and stream of chunky water).
When my sphincter spasms alerting me to my liquid burden. I clench my butt cheeks and head to the most solitary bathroom to immediately handle my shit. Occasionally, even the most solitary places have frequent visitors and handling my shit becomes an exercise in strength, endurance and mental anguish.
Most people would unleash and I'm pretty sure it's a generational thing or it could be an age to weak anus-muscle ratio. Nonetheless, I hold it when others are present and proceed to stay in a position similar to the Karate Kid's flying crane kick, slightly hovering above the toilet, teeth grinding and sweat dripping from my brow. The mental concentration required to hold diarrhea is on a metaphysical plane that likens it to transcendental meditation or a concept beyond contemporary doctrine.
Then release. It's funny, it all comes out in one giant explosion with not very much follow up. Then a laborious wipe and a long hand wash and it's back to business as usual.


Ann said...


rammstew said...

"liquid gold" is "digital gold!" Keep it up, this is art!

kevin said...

To this day I am still left speechless that you feel comfortable saying such stuff. But I must admit, it is PURE KILLIAN and I would have it no other way!

rammstew said...

"This past Monday" should be changed to "4 Mondays Ago." I need more poetry!